In which we want what we can’t have
The Girl and I did a mini-road trip to Vermont via New York State and spent a day in NYC with friends. If you’ve ever lived in the US or Canada, especially in parts where the leaves change color then I don’t have to describe how amazing Mother Nature is when she’s making the transition from Summer to Autumn. My first Autumn in London, after 3 fiery autumns in the US, was disappointing. I missed the colorful canvas that I was so used to seeing everywhere.
If Vermont and New York State were gorgeous, then I can happily state that Toronto has been an able competitor. There’s a cemetery about a 5 minute bike ride from our condo & we cycled there last weekend and I know you’re thinking “CEMETERY? WTF?!”, but it’s so peaceful and beautiful that it’s easy to ignore the fact that there are dead people all around. It’s also a super posh cemetery that has some mind-bogglingly enormous graves. More like mausoleums than graves. Anyway, the whole place is spread out over 200 acres and has the most incredible foliage and is also one of our favourite places to cycle around.
Ok now that you’ve oohed and aahed over those great photos I’ve taken let’s move on to the subjects of friends and boredom and plans of the week. I don’t know if I’ve talked about plans of the week before, but in case I haven’t this is what they are: The Girl and I are big dreamers. She’s a bigger dreamer than I am and she’s probably an enabler of these dreams. So our plans go like this – TG wakes up one morning and says “I want to be a lawyer. I think I’ll join law school part time.” Then I say “Awesome! You know what I want to do? I want to become a counselor. I could do a degree in Psychology.” Of course the plans fizzle out eventually – normally within a day, sometimes longer. But while we’re planning things we totally get into the swing of things.
One week, while we were in London, The Girl got a flyer about an old ruin in Scotland that was for sale. It was a beautiful place on an island in the outer Hebrides. The only way to get to this island was by ferry. Did that stop The Girl’s plan of the week? Of course not! She was totally ready to move there and commute to work in London once a week. Thankfully that one fizzled out due to practical concerns.
Another week, while still in London, we decided we would move to Australia. We looked up apartments in Sydney and Melbourne. I wrote to a close childhood friend who lives in Oz and asked him about life there. It was all so real. We were ready to leave and fly into the sunny climes. Sadly at that time we didn’t qualify for Australian immigration. So we settled back into London.
Most of you probably know that our next plan of the week was Canada. That one worked out and here we are. Well there was Calgary first which was a plan that worked out but we didn’t like it and then Toronto began as our plan of the week which eventually turned out to be our reality.
Where am I going with this? I don’t know. I started this post to talk about Autumn and friends (our or lack of of friends) and loneliness.
About 3 weeks ago I turned 32. I celebrated with The Girl who went all out and surprised me with twinkly lights and candles and cupcakes and the newest iPod nano and a camera bag with a solar charger and tickets to 2 parts of an amazing 4 part play (”The Mill“) and dinner at a really really lovely restaurant. I got a few emails from friends, a couple of Facebook messages, a few phone calls.
On the surface it was a great birthday. But look just beneath the surface and the overwhelming feeling was loneliness. I have The Girl and The Girl has me and that’s enough most of the time. I’d say about 95% of the time. But I want friends to fill up the rest of the 5% that consists of birthdays, every other weekend, Diwali, Halloween…
Everyone tells you how hard it is to make friends. And it’s true. And it makes me mad that I didn’t appreciate what I had in London in terms of friends. It makes me mad to realise that I had found the best friends one could ask for and I callously, arrogantly thought that I could walk away from that and just miraculously find that again.
I don’t regret leaving London. I had so many visa issues that I didn’t have a choice. I had to leave. I don’t regret being in Toronto. It’s a beautiful city with so much to offer. This city has given us everything we wanted in London – an amazing condo that we own, jobs that we enjoy, salaries that are enough for us to live a really good life. Our condo is within 2-10 minutes walking distance from our jobs, our grocery store, our bank, our library, our subway station, our gym, our favourite restaurants, a mall… All that’s good, right? But we just don’t know how to be happy here. We’re not unhappy here either. Just filled with a nagging sense of discontent. Last night, The Girl and I were talking about it and I said that maybe it’s because there was so much drama in our lives in London. I was in the closet, I was getting a divorce, I was terrified of losing my visa. Life was interesting, you know? Two hours later I had an allergic reaction to the scallops I’d eaten for dinner & my face was swollen. I think it was the Universe’s way of throwing some drama my way. 2 antihistamines later I was back to my boring existence.
Two weeks ago, my friend N, sent me a package filled with goodies for my birthday. I took a picture of it that’s on my other laptop which is now at work. But basically her envelope was sweet and thoughtful and like a punch in the stomach – like “Dishum! This is what you get for leaving London – you get little heart wrenching reminders of what you left behind”.
TBC
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rofl at waking up an wanting to be a lawyer.
You know it does suck, making friends. It takes time and effort and energy to try and makes friends and tell your life story over and over again, hoping that some where you will find someone and you’ll click and you wouldnt feel calling that person the very next day will be too much because she sent you an email ,saying she had the best time talking to you.
Good lord, I sound desperate.
I miss the type of friend that will call that she is coming over and I wouldnt feel the urge to run the vacumm because eh she has seen it all and it doesnt matter.
Happy birthday and here’s hoping you find that special friend
You know Broom, that this is what I love the most about your blog – your ability to tell it like it is. Whether it’s drama or just simply mundane things
I can so relate to the “how-making-friends-is-harder-than-it-sounds” bit. I had the best of friends at a certain point of time in my life, so much so people actually envied me. I thought it would be pretty easy ride from then on, that I will move on and making new friends will never be an issue in my life. I was SO wrong. Being in good company is such a blessing 
Now all my socializing is conducted virtually, and I’m thankful that I at least have that. More recently I’ve begun to look forward to marriage with a teeny weeny hope – the hope I will have a friend for life.
My first year in US, I was in Nashua NH and it had the most breath taking fall foilage. Every turn, every corner, you would gasp at the sheer color and beauty of the leaves.
Never seen another fall like that first one in NH..
and yo, happy belated birthday to you
I totally get what you mean by the 5% .
I’m socially inept and terrible at making friends. I have two ‘best friends’ and for one year after passing out of college, we were all in the same city together. It really was the best time but I didn’t realise it then… When I moved to Bristol, I was so lonely and miserable, more so because I just couldn’t ‘make’ any new friends try as I might… I’m looking forward to our move to back to India. Just having innumerable cousins to hang out with nearby will be a relief in itself..
And happy birthday to you !!
I feel the same way about leaving smalltownamerica. While I don’t regret the move to Florida, I am discontent at the fact that my whole gaggle of friends have been left behind & add unemployment to the mix, and sigh!
We are slowly making friends but the lure of real friends elsewhere keeps wrenching at our hearts.
Fall colors are the best and the one thing I miss from my days living back east. I am right there with you on the dreaming part. I still think if I could I would be in school studying to be something completely different
It takes time babe. it’s hard enough to find friends in modern day India, it cant be much easier in the ‘wild cold west.’ But you’ll get there.
first of all, i am a little upset, and you know why…mere ilake mein aaye and mujhe nahin bataya…
well what can i say about fall, nippy weather, crunchy leaves, bon fire in the evening..i love it all…
i took some beautiful pics in my backyard, there is a huge tree and the leaves are changing colors
my husband i talk about moving back to india every single day. we draw out pros and cons and always, the pros of moving to india is a longer list outweighed only by my job which i absolutely love and would hate to leave. that alone holds us back.. its sad..
happy belated birthday sweetie. it appears to be a condition of modern life, the problem of making friends. Despite facebook et al
hmmm… u know what? when i first read about u moving to Canada from London, I was all – “wha? just like that? something is missing in this”. After reading this post, I feel like this is what I was unknowingly expecting. As I grow older, I feel a growing need to have friends in my life.
and yes, mere ilake main aaye, aur bataya nahin! I am still here in New York
This is something I’ve been struggling with too recently. We moved from the east coast to California a little over a year ago and things have finally settled down enough for me to realize we don’t have a lot of friends here. I realize that part of it’s because earlier it was easy to be friends with people at school etc. there were always groups that formed naturally and without complications. But when you are working it isn’t easy or always a good idea to be great friends with your colleagues. And to add to that I am not great on the old lets all hang out with other desis bit either. Your post just makes me a little happy that it isn’t just us
Broom – that 5% is overrated. My life sucks 95% – lost my job in NYC, back to living with parents in India, traumatic break up, gaining weight, being depressed, brokeness. You dont know how incredible blessed you are.
Hey, I notice that you guys are in Toronto. Do you have an email address – need some advice about Toronto/surrounding areas.
n!
The fall colours are gorgeous. Be content with the joy you have, and the rest will follow unbidden.
For what its worth, you’ve got all of us as friends. Belated happy birthday Broom. I think what you deserve most is happiness, and that I wish you in full measure….
The making friends bit in this post is a similar situtaion with us. We’ve lived in this town for 3 years and still have to travel a 100 miles to visit friends! Our pickyness is making us feel quite isolated.
By the way, my sis-in-law is studying to be a counselor after running her own deli for many years – so your plan of the week was not so off the wall!
Your birthday celebrations sound lovely.
happy belated birthday
can totally relate to the hard-to-make-new-friends thing.. i made some of my closest friends in college, and we always talk about how it’s just so darn hard to do it again! it takes so much investment (on both sides)! needless to say, i’m friendless in TO too, and that’s why the internet is my saviour. hang in there.
belated happy birthday hon.
I know what you mean…I experienced the same when I moved back to New Delhi after the US and had to rebuild a friends circle. But by the grace of God, I am there. So never lose hope
I started typing out a comment when you first posted this and then realised my comment was a post (which I have finally posted… go see!) In your situation, though, I think it’s too soon to rue the lack of friends. If in a couple of years it’s the same, then you should be thinking of moving.
Belated happy b’day broom – hope you have a happy year ahead.
I know what you mean – and I really know – and I’ve just moved 30kms south of where I was born. Without the adventure and the discovery and the bravery. Makes it even more of a morose mockery, no?